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Message-ID: <1ehrwbo.gvs7nwezujnkN%jwgh@earthlink.net>
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Re: ten
From: "Jacob W. Haller" <jwgh at earthlink.net>
Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2000 13:42:46 -0400

I've got to write my college essay tomorrow. So far, I have a bunch of bullshit that makes me sound like an asshole. I hate the essay I have written, but I'm too lazy to start a new one. I'll probably just stick a thesis at the top of the crappy one and send it in anyways. I'm sure that plenty of assholes are accepted as it is.

The worst part is that I've had absolutely zero class offices or club offices in the past four years. I figured all the clubs and offices at school were bullshit for the popular kids to get off on, and I thought colleges would realize that. Not so! They just love to hear how you were the Assistant Parlimentarian for your schools chapter of the Future Farmers of America. So I'm pretty much screwed there.

The only good thing I have going for me is my SAT score and my grades. And I'm not sure they count for anything.

I'm not even eligible for any decent scholarships. (I'm a white male.)

God this is gonna suck.

I hate this damned society sometimes.

When I was in high school I foolishly applied to one college, an Ivy League university. My SAT scores were good and my GPA was decent, but it almost goes without saying that such things are a far way from guaranteeing acceptance to said institution of higher learning. I had maybe a couple of extracurricular activities but no class offices or the like.

When it came to writing my essay, I decided to write it about knitting. See, I'd been knitting since elementary school and had continued to do so, on and off, through high school. My specialty was long (12-14 foot) scarves knitted on circular needles. (I plan to bring one to frost.bob, incidentally.)

I forget what I said about my knitting habit in the essay or why I thought that doing so should make me a shoe-in. (You can probably write one yourself and come pretty close.) But the real gimmick was that along with my essay I mailed: the first scarf I ever knitted. The application and the scarf were shipped off to admissions in a large box which also contained another box (with my address on it and postage pre-paid) that was to be used to return the scarf to me.

I was accepted early admission and, ten years later, I finally finished my undergraduate degree.

Now. Despite the self-addressed stamped box, I never got my scarf back. This was the cause of some annoyance (it was warm and had some sentimental value) and much speculation: was it stolen? Lost? Would I see someone on campus walking around with it sometime? (The answer to the last was no, I never did.)

But one of the theories that stuck in the back of my mind was that perhaps...just maybe...I was accepted because they lost my scarf and felt bad for me.

So ends storytime. My advice to you:

1. Try to make the admissions office feel guilty. What the hell, it's worth a shot.
2. The idea that universities might somehow discriminate against assholes is easily dispelled by spending ten minutes on your average campus.

-jwgh

-- 
"They tell me I have a kind face.  I grew a beard to cover it.  Now
they tell me I have a kind beard."
         - Bob Dehnhardt, alt.sysadmin.recovery 11 Nov 1998

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