Scorched Earth Party Position Paper: The Space Program

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From: jwgh at earthlink.net (Jacob Haller)
Subject: Scorched Earth Party Position Paper: The Space Program
Date: 18 Nov 1998 13:22:35 GMT
Message-ID: <1dinxv9.amiv431jxijw6N@1cust118.tnt31.nyc3.da.uu.net>
Newsgroups: alt.politics.scorched-earth,talk.bizarre

Now that John Glenn has brought the public eye back to the space program, it's time for the Scorched Earth Party to evaluate how well the current space program is meeting our needs. Is testing the effects of space travel on old guys what America really needs right now? All we learned is that that fucking "let's dress like apes and bury the statue of liberty" joke stops being funny after the fiftieth time.

Clearly, there's been a major comedown since the 'Apollo 13' experiment, when NASA tested the effects of weight loss, extreme cold, and high fevers on engineers. Given that they survived, you would have thought that the next step was to refine the experiment, but no.

I think it's clear that there will still be room for a large space program once the Scorched Earth Party is in power. (How else will we spray-paint gigantic obscene graffiti across the face of the moon?) What we need are ideas; ideas that will catch the public eye and prove for once and for all that there are still things that we can learn from space exploration. Things like:

What are the effects of explosive decompression on Adam Sandler?
What are the effects of eight hours of null-gravity sex on me and other loyal members of the SEP?
Are there any possible benefits to lead-pipe construction in the weightless vacuum of space?
If we shot every single film, videotape, or other copy of "Urban Legend" into the sun, would that be cool or what?

Once President Vogel creates the First American Empire, we must make sure that this IMPORTANT RESEARCH is carried out.

The Scorched Earth Party: "The space program has given us Tang. Just think what other marvels await us!"

-jwgh

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