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From: jwgh at earthlink.net (Jacob Haller)
Subject: Useful phrases to know in tech support
Date: 13 Nov 1999 02:08:57 GMT
Message-ID: <1e16bw3.1h8o4g518ajy82N@dialup-209.244.128.181.providence1.level3.net>
Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery
No, I'm not talking about phrases like "Is the caps lock key on?", "No--it should be on the keyboard, not on the screen", and "I understand, but could you just check anyway?". Their utility is undeniable, but I have other fish to fry.

These are phrases which can help bring peace and calm into your disordered life. They can also be profitably used to annoy your cow-orkers, or if your cow-orkers are on the same wavelength as you they can be used to build comradeship.

Please feel free to contribute your own.

  1. "The cause of suffering is desire."
This is one of the Noble Truths of Buddhism. The wise bob understands that there is a grain of truth in the intent of this statement; if you learn to not worry about things that you cannot change, it can help make your life less hellish.

The wise bob also recognises the truth in alternate readings of this statement. For instance, there are overtones of "The cause of [my] suffering is [the luser's] desire [to install buggy beta crapware on their luserboxes]" there, and you can also read it as "I desire to cause the lusers to suffer".

And the wise bob also realizes that the phrase can be used to annoy cow-orkers. If some luser comes to you and says "Other people in my office have better computers than I do! I want a new computer!" then you can use this magic phrase; the luser will then be unable to contest the statement as it is clearly wise, will be unable to complain about it because you are clearly not serious, and (this is key) will not be clear on whether you are actually agreeing to do anything about his request or not. This also works on managers if handled correctly.

Finally, if another cow-orker is on the same wavelength as you the phrase can be used as code between you to indicate any of the above meanings. Usually context will make it clear to both of you what meaning is desired. No-one else will have a clue.

  1. "Correlation does not indicate causation."
Another really important thing for people to keep in mind. Even people who understand what it means may not understand its importance. It cautions against making the following types of deductions: "A happened after B, so A must have been caused by B." "A and B tend to happen at around the same time, so one must have caused the other." And so on and so forth. We all know that lusers frequently see causation where there is none ("My computer crashed today! I think it's because that judge found against Microsoft!") and fail to see causation where it exists ("Well, my house _was_ hit by lightning last night...but what does that have to do with my inability to dial in?"). Marketing people (or at least the brainless kind that seems oh-so-common) are particularly prone to this error. By keeping this phrase in mind you can remain vigilant against this error in others and in yourself.

It can also be used as an ironic comment when discussing a luser's anitics. "He keeps installing Explorer 4 beta even though every time he does it screws up his system! What the hell?" "Well, you know correlation doesn't indicate causation... <derisive snort>"

And of course it can be used to annoy people. When someone makes some enormous leap of logic and sees causation where most likely none exists, make the comment. They won't have the slightest idea what you're talking about, but won't want to ask what you mean. Hopefully it'll bug 'em.

  1. "WHEN DO WE GET THE FREAKIN' GUNS?"
A quote from the episode of the Simpsons when Marge becomes a cop. At the beginning of training one of the trainees says to Chief Wiggum, "FORGET ABOUT THE TRAINING! WHEN DO WE GET THE FREAKIN' GUNS?" Wiggum replies, "Hey, I told you already. You don't get your gun until you tell us your name." The trainee says, "I'VE HAD IT UP TO HEAR WITH YOUR RULES!" and runs off.

This phrase has many useful applications. At one place I worked it was generally used to indicate that the only reason one was remaining at the place was that one was expecting to get more stock options soon. But I've also seen it used in other contexts.

I don't think it can be used to annoy cow-orkers, but perhaps it could be used to freak them out.

I await the rest of your entries with interest. If I think of more later I'll post 'em.

-jwgh

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