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From: jwgh at earthlink.net (Jacob Haller)
Subject: Re: Shittiness
Date: 2 Feb 1999 05:10:38 GMT
Message-ID: <1dmkm26.1rz6xywjujhecN@1cust249.tnt1.morristown.nj.da.uu.net>
Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery
[. . .]
"Metrics" were invented to cure this problem. A metric is an arbitrary combination of these modulii, indexes, wild guesses, and bogus numbers resulting in an untraceable quantity by which one may be hired, fired, promoted, or paid. My simply conglomerating numbers of dubious origin, a new and less suspect number is produced.
[. . .]

The key to understanding metrics is that:

  1. Managers need a seemingly objective way to measure the performance of their underlings.
  2. Numbers seem objective.
Therefore, the criteria that is used to determine whether something can function as a metric has nothing to do with how relevent it is to your job performance and everything to do with how easily it can be converted into a number.

Example: The number of open help desk problems in a tracking database is hand-made for a metric. The dialogue goes more-or-less like so:

Boss: "Can you give me a report of the number of open problems each week?"

Bob: "Well, sure, but it's a pretty meaningless statistic. A bunch of tickets don't require action until a set date, for instance, and are just kept open as reminders. It doesn't tell you how satisfied the customers are, or how quick our turnaround time is, or much of anything. I mean, if I tell you we have fifty open tickets, what does that actually mean?"

Boss: "I know, but I need to give a weekly report on the help desk and this seems to be the simplest way to do it. I don't want you to spend a lot of time on this."

[A few weeks pass.]

Boss: "Every week I get criticized about the number of open tickets we have. You have to get the number down."

Bob: "But the number is meaningless! Tell me why the current number is too high--give me one reason why the number is at all relevent."

Boss: "I know, that's what I tell them, but every week we discuss it again, and it's a conversation I'd much rather avoid."

Bob: "I'll see what I can do."

[A month or two passes.]

Boss: "The number of open problems is rising again; you need to get it down again."

Bob: "Look, there's a limit to what I can do. The problems are open because they need to be open. If I start closing tickets for no good reason the problem tracking system will become useless."

Boss: "I know, but I don't want to keep having this discussion with people."

Bob: "How about if I just make the numbers up?"

Boss: "No, but can you make it so that we don't count tickets that are just open as reminders?"

Bob: "It'll take a little work, but I guess I can do that."

Boss: "OK, do it."

[The cook-the-numbers scheme is implemented. A few more months pass.]

Boss: "Look, people are still complaining about the number of open tickets. I think we should just stop giving them the reports. I'd still like a copy, though."

Bob: "Sure thing."

After that, and without further discussion, the bob elected to never again generate a single report. Six months later an ex-fellow bob asked him, "Are you still doing those stupid reports?" He was the first to ask about them since their cessation.

-jwgh

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