Message-ID: <1fi77x2.83x09klfz3x0N%spog@jwgh.org> Subject: Loch Lomond 3000, The Movie From: "Jacob W. Haller" <spog at jwgh.org> Date: Sun, 8 Sep 2002 16:36:49 -0400
[The screen is JET BLACK. You can hear something vaguely musical and jingly, but it's too quiet to tell what it is yet. The sound starts to get lounder.
[We quickly see stills of the following, intercut with JET BLACK: An extreme close-up of KIBO'S NOSE, then some BACON, then a GIFT BEAGLE, then KIBO'S EAR, then TWO PEOPLE standing in front of a DUNKIN' DONUTS, then an upside-down S, then DARKNESS again. During all this, the sound slowly becomes recognizable as an ICE CREAM TRUCK playing some sort of odd combination of Loch Lomond and She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain. Opening credits roll.]
Directed by Stanley Kubrick
Script by Archimedes Plutonium
Edited by Roderick Jaynes
Casting by 1000 Monkeys
[Cut to KIBO'S EYES, which are wide open, and slowly pull back to reveal that he's in pajamas with attached feet lying on an inflatable mattress next to his wife, BARBARA BAIN, who starts to wake up as she appears in frame.]
Couldn't sleep again, huh?
It's the ice cream truck again. I can't get it out of my mind.
That's odd. I'd think that inside your mind it'd be too dark to sell ice cream.
[SFX: GIANT NAPKIN]
[CUT TO Kibo walking towards a T station carrying an iBook. He is expressionless. As he nears the T station an ice cream truck approaches him. It's emitting a sound like 'AYLO' for no apparent reason. As the ice cream truck passes him, the ICE CREAM TRUCK GUY sticks his head out the window and calls to him.]
Hey you! You look like you could use something cold.
What does that mean, exactly? And why doesn't your ice cream truck sell tacos?
Hey, I just work here.
I'm sorry. Do you have any chocolate-flavored Dippin' Dots?
[Wordlessly they exchange money and Dippin' Dots, which Kibo then throws away.]
[WACKY BOING]
[CUT TO Kibo walking to the same T stop. The same ice cream truck passes by, and the same guy hails Kibo again.]
Want more Dippin' Dots?
I didn't want the ones I bought yesterday. I threw them out, remember?
[A RANDOM KIBOLOGIST wanders by.]
DUH DUH DUH
[CUT TO JORN BARGER sitting at a desk.]
While I am saying this, the names of the members of jwgh's cool table will appear on the screen.
[Through the rest of Jorn's appearence, the following words appear on the screen in sequence: Elvis, William Shatner, Orbitz, Vincent "Buddy" Cianci, Grover, Whooppee Cocoa Cream Soda, UH SLEE, Barney Frank, Lee Bumgarner, Giant Pulsating Space Lobster]
Existence is a precarious, naked thing, like a tightrope walker, but with neither rope nor tights. A cool breeze causes a slight contraction, IYKWIM AITYD.
[A NERF DURIAN flies in from off-screen and hits Jorn in the nose.]
What the hell? I have to pronounce stupid words like 'jwgh', 'iykwim', and 'aityd', and I get fake smelly fruit thrown at me? I quit!
[SFX: GREEN JELLO WITH CHUNKS OF FRUIT IN IT]
[CUT TO Kibo and the ice cream guy outside a mansion at night. Kibo is wearing the ice cream guy's hat and a plain red tee shirt. Neither he nor the ice cream guy is wearing any pants.]
So here is where I at last will learn what that stupid tune that sounds like 'Loch Lomond' and 'She'll Be Coming Round The Mountain' is.
That's all you wanted to know? It's 'Down By The Station', by Lee Ricks and Slim Gaillard.
Vout!
[FLYING MONKEYS pelt Kibo and the ice cream guy with CHERRY PEZ and MENTOS.]
[SFX: SIZZLING BACON]
[MUSIC PLAYS. FINAL CREDITS ROLL]
-jwgh
--
"Thought abhors tights."
- Umberto Eco, /Travels in Hyperreality/
Styles largely stolen from Louis Nick III