to jwgh's alt.religion.kibology page
Message-ID: <1fkg8ra.1h15ua0cdhk50N%spog@jwgh.org> Subject: Re: DEATH ON A STICK ~ Fried Twinkie Fad Hits Arkansas From: "Jacob W. Haller" <spog at jwgh.org> Date: Tue, 22 Oct 2002 10:27:59 -0400
Schwa Love <schwa242 at yahoo.com> wrote:
Personally, I like imagining archaeologists who find nothing but "Pictionary" and "Cranium" scribblings as artifacts of our civilization, once society rebuilds. In fact, if all that we have left behind was our board games, and they have to figure out what our life was like based on "Risk" or "Cootie" or, well, "Life", I'd be extremely happy. Long dead, but happy.
Hello, and welcome to tomorrow's episode of Archæology Tomorrow, today! Today we'll be looking at some very exciting artifacts located in the famous Building Double-Zed Skiddoo, buried far beneath the ruins of the third Robot-Human-Lizard-Spock wars.
[hologram of a 'Toys R Us' sign.]
The meaning of this cryptic engraving is not yet fully clear, but what's really interesting here is the appearance of both Roman and Cyrillic lettering on this sign. This proved conclusively that Russian influence in pre-Avalon North Columbia was much greater than anyone had previously suspected.
[hologram disappears.]
North Columbians of this era were often plagued by roving hordes of the now-extinct hippopotamus. This large, omnivorous creature, also known colloquially as a 'locust', could destroy the food supply for a small town in a few deci-seconds.
[animated hologram of a hippopotamus with wings]
Powerless to stop the locusts, the North Columbians relied on various rituals to keep them placated, or, better, far away. One ritual involved the use of this item.
[hologram of Hungry Hungry Hippos]
These small locust representations were fed small pieces of glass in the hopes that, through sympathetic magic, this would keep their large-scale brethren satisfied.
[hologram disappears]
The art of forensics was very primitive in pre-Avalon North Columbia. While details of police investigations are still vague, studies of items like this one ...
[hologram of Clue board]
... indicate that in the event of a murder, for instance, prolonged study would be required before determining whether the victim was hanged, penetrated with a small lead object, bludgeoned with a long round piece of metal, or dispatched through some other method.
[closeup of the Conservatory]
There are some indications that the principal behind the instantaneous transfer of matter, through what we would call a 'mattrans' but which was apparently then poetically referred to as a 'secret passage', was understood even at this early date, but this proposition is still somewhat controversial and further investigation will be required to be sure.
This artifact also indicates that the practice of choosing a surname based on a color or condiment, which had previously been thought to be a comparatively recent phenomenon, has been with us for literally thousands of years.
[hologram disappears]
Well, that's all the time we have tomorrow. Turn in tomorrow for another episode of 'Archæology Today', with me your host, today, tomorrow.
[credits roll]
-jwgh
--
"PS. Please take note of the fact that, in conformity with the
regulations of this office, all information contained in the above
letter is false, for reasons of military security."
- Umberto Eco, /How to Travel with a Salmon & Other Essays/